For the past month and a half I’ve been in a rut. And I mean in a horrible rut! Everything ticks me off. My stress level has been off the charts despite taking my supplements. I’m either crying or self combusting most of the time. Needless to say this has made my eating habits go awry. My immune system is bust because I’m feeding it junk. I tried ever so hard to pin point the cause but to no avail.
Then last night I was going thru the notes I have on my phone and there it was! Dated February 15. So if personal history were to repeat itself and gestation were 36 weeks (like with Meemz and Oullz), I would have been holding a baby girl or boy around October 15.
Back then Sam had asked me not to post my little self expression. But heck we’re all adults here and this is an extension of my parenting journey.
I know that not every intercourse (did I just use the i-word?! Get over it! It’s a fact of life) leads to a pregnancy… But sometimes a woman knows. And I Knew! (Just like I knew with Mimi and Oullie) Maybe more so because every fiber in me wanted each of them.
But even so, I respected our previously discussed family planning. I grieved on my own for a couple of weeks. I even went as far as giving away all our baby things in an attempt to put closure to my grieving.
Then 8 months later I’m in a rut and I don’t know why. This is why! My psychosis wanted that pregnancy. So here I am again! Grieving for a baby I didn’t carry. Oh dear God! I even started nesting a few months ago! Latent realization. What a shocker! Our subconscious never forgets! :’(